I took my decision to "live in the moment" and "let things happen" just one step further today. Maybe two steps.
I need to tell a little bit of a back story without getting too much into detail first. My daughter was due to have a surgery last week, but another problem was there and that needed dealt with first. I was frustrated and did all the common things. Guilt that I hadn't done the right thing, frustration that the doctor had messed up and possibly given us wrong information, played the "what-if" game about things we could have done differently. All of this was due to stress and worry and doubt and frustration. I felt insecure, I felt out of control of my emotions, I felt how you feel when you don't put your best self forward. Our hopes was that the surgery be done sooner than later - due to his work travel, my parents staying here for only another week and her starting online college classes soon.... all things that we could have worked around, but ideally this surgery was best happening now in our mind.
Today, we went to the Dr. hoping that the surgery is going as re-scheduled tomorrow, and I have been praying. Surprisingly to me, my prayers were not "Make this happen because we want it to." I asked Him to "Please guide the Dr. to make the right decision and that the surgery will happen when it needs to, and that she gets the best possible care." This morning while waiting to see the Dr. I prayed and I continued to read 1000 Gifts (see previous blogs.) I felt overwhelmingly at peace.
During our wait time in the office, we could hear the Dr. talking to three other patients before us. Each of them were challenging him, either out of fear of the surgery or upset that things weren't going their way. I heard my voice in theirs. They felt guilty that maybe they hadn't done what they needed to to heal properly, they had doubt about this being the right choice for them and they questioned the Dr's decisions. He was very patient with each of them, and I realized he had also been with me last week. I was already very peaceful at this appointment, but sometime during the 2nd patient he spoke to, I realized something.
I had turned it over to God. I turned it over to the Dr's decision. I relaxed and I told myself whatever this Dr. came to tell us, I would say "Ok, thank you," and get the information needed to do the best for my child. I had no fear. I had no doubt. I felt as if my prayer of asking for the best for my child was going to be done with this decision made by the Dr. any minute now.
I don't do this very often. I tend to bargain with God. I ask for very specific things. Yesterday and today, I did ask for a specific thing but it was to have the right decision be made, not the decision I wanted made. In the end, it was what my husband and I were hoping for, but I was prepared to accept anything.
The rest of my day was also mostly peaceful (as it can be with a family of 5 and 2 visiting parents, 2 people in the house recovering from ailments, and so on...) I felt gratitude in every small thing. I have been listing my gifts, but not as many as I should. However, the act of doing so already in the first 9 days of this year have done wonders for my outlook.
I go into tomorrow hopefully still at peace, and continue to turn it to Him.