On to Being Me

I spent most of January talking about life, well most of January was not blogging because of everything else (i.e., Life!) However, when I did, it was about life. It was about how I wanted to just accept life and live it. Still learning that little tip.

This month, well - tomorrow, February, I want to focus on the first part of my blog title. Being me.

I used to be nostalgic of what I thought was "old me." However, "old me" didn't always make me happy either. I was fairly outgoing in my teen years, yet I was also impulsive and self-centered (which teen isn't?) When I got to college, I realized I wasn't as outgoing as I thought I was. Self-doubt and depression has been a part of my life for the past 20 years, and I looked to what I thought was "old me" often. 12 years ago I married the love of my life, and he knew me in the "old me" days. Some of that came back, and I was happy. I learned to find the old and mix in what I had learned over the years to create a "new me." For the most part I was happy with the "new me" but more depression and self-doubt had me questioning myself again.

The past 5 years I have been actively working on me. Physical me, social me, spiritual me. Some days, weeks, months and years are better than others. Recently I had my 20 year High School Reunion and I can say I went to that confident and didn't question who I was. It felt good. Yeah, I could have weighed 50 lbs less, but I really knew who I was and where I was in life. That was 6 months ago, and I already feel a "remaking" of me coming on! It's not a bad thing, I think it's our purpose in life. I've recently moved and gotten to know new people, and it's made me think more about how I appear. I had become complacent with myself and my attitudes with my friends I have had for the past 5 years. When you meet new people, you somehow end up evaluating how the current "real you" comes off.

One goal for this next month is to try and reach out to one friend a day. It doesn't seem that difficult, but just to spark an old friendship or kindle a new one. Be kind and be who I want to be. I enjoy being around others, and I think putting that out there will in turn rejuvenate myself into being more social, friendly and overall happier. I am grateful for friendships and this month I want to show it.

The other is just to start each day by paying some attention to me. I have to expend so much energy for others (family, school, etc.) that I get lost. Little things like watching a video or reading an article that interests me, or taking the time to make sure I have my favorite outfits and jewelry, make me feel more like ME. If taking care of others makes me forget what it is about myself I like, then I need to step back and change things. A key factor in that is getting enough sleep so I can wake up rested and get ready, not sleep in and rush around. I know that my day is better when I look nice, am properly nourished and get my "wake-up" time in the morning!

I'm getting old enough that I know what makes and keeps me happy! Call it routine, but I call it keys to happiness :)


Life gets in the way sometimes...

I should have gotten up last night to write what was on my mind, but I was just too. tired. to. move....

The past 2 weeks have been a whirl. My oldest child, my daughter, had a pretty major surgery 13 days ago. I had lots of help here, my husband took time to work at home and my mom and step-dad were here as well. It was rough, the hardest part was seeing her in pain and we could do very little about it. The first week was every four hours with pain pills, every 2 hours with pillow adjustments and sometimes 4 hours at a time sitting with her comforting her because the pain pill never relieved her. Tears, stress, frustration and extreme tiredness. She got depressed sitting in her room and having no control. I got depressed stuck in a house for almost a week. There was a point when I thought, we aren't going to make it through this!

But of course, like all things - we did.

Last night we slept almost 7 hours, a first! I have been allowed to sleep while someone else took care of her but I still get up when I hear people moving around. Last night was 7 hours of solid sleep from head hitting the pillow to the "beep beep" of the walkie-talkie (her way of communicating with us!)

So - I had a goal to blog, and I probably should have through all this but I didn't. In my head 'Another thing started and given up.' But then, I had to tell myself 'No, you didn't give up because you are going back. Who cares? And isn't that the point of change, working toward a goal?' So.... all those thoughts in my head were spinning and I didn't really have a point this morning just that I am here, and I want to continue. I have things in my head that I want to express and I will continue to do so. My time is limited, but I'm not giving up.

Some randomness:

Hubby and I are starting eating better today. And then exercising next week. Eeks...

I am researching getting my Master's online. Double eeks!

I need to finish decorating my house, because I need to then start on decorating my mom's house, since she just bought one in my neighborhood! It's going to be a rental possibly, and then their "winter home."

I want to either scrapbook or make a t-shirt quilt, something to keep busy and feel accomplished.

I need to also finish the blog from my new house, it's been completed for 5 months and I have only 1/2 of the "The House is Done!" post up. Then, when I'm done decorating I'll do another one.

Life... we say it gets in they way, but it really is the way. We can't avoid it or let it sideline us. We just have to go with and enjoy the ride. Life is the ride, and if something takes us off our supposed course, well - maybe that course wasn't the right path in the first place! We must have needed whatever it was that happened. That really was the purpose of this blog in the first place. Learning to live in the moment and not keep saying "After..." I could say "After my daughter heals from her surgery, life will be normal." But instead, this IS our life right now and we can all live in it and learn from it.

See, I knew I should have come here sooner - all I have to do is take my own words of advice (from my own blog earlier!)

Enjoy this day, and live each moment!


Turning It Over

I took my decision to "live in the moment" and "let things happen" just one step further today. Maybe two steps.

I need to tell a little bit of a back story without getting too much into detail first. My daughter was due to have a surgery last week, but another problem was there and that needed dealt with first. I was frustrated and did all the common things. Guilt that I hadn't done the right thing, frustration that the doctor had messed up and possibly given us wrong information, played the "what-if" game about things we could have done differently. All of this was due to stress and worry and doubt and frustration. I felt insecure, I felt out of control of my emotions, I felt how you feel when you don't put your best self forward. Our hopes was that the surgery be done sooner than later - due to his work travel, my parents staying here for only another week and her starting online college classes soon.... all things that we could have worked around, but ideally this surgery was best happening now in our mind.

Today, we went to the Dr. hoping that the surgery is going as re-scheduled tomorrow, and I have been praying. Surprisingly to me, my prayers were not "Make this happen because we want it to." I asked Him to "Please guide the Dr. to make the right decision and that the surgery will happen when it needs to, and that she gets the best possible care." This morning while waiting to see the Dr. I prayed and I continued to read 1000 Gifts (see previous blogs.) I felt overwhelmingly at peace.

During our wait time in the office, we could hear the Dr. talking to three other patients before us. Each of them were challenging him, either out of fear of the surgery or upset that things weren't going their way. I heard my voice in theirs. They felt guilty that maybe they hadn't done what they needed to to heal properly, they had doubt about this being the right choice for them and they questioned the Dr's decisions. He was very patient with each of them, and I realized he had also been with me last week. I was already very peaceful at this appointment, but sometime during the 2nd patient he spoke to, I realized something.

I had turned it over to God. I turned it over to the Dr's decision. I relaxed and I told myself whatever this Dr. came to tell us, I would say "Ok, thank you," and get the information needed to do the best for my child. I had no fear. I had no doubt. I felt as if my prayer of asking for the best for my child was going to be done with this decision made by the Dr. any minute now.

I don't do this very often. I tend to bargain with God. I ask for very specific things. Yesterday and today, I did ask for a specific thing but it was to have the right decision be made, not the decision I wanted made. In the end, it was what my husband and I were hoping for, but I was prepared to accept anything.

The rest of my day was also mostly peaceful (as it can be with a family of 5 and 2 visiting parents, 2 people in the house recovering from ailments, and so on...) I felt gratitude in every small thing. I have been listing my gifts, but not as many as I should. However, the act of doing so already in the first 9 days of this year have done wonders for my outlook.

I go into tomorrow hopefully still at peace, and continue to turn it to Him.


New idea - Six Word Saturday

Unplugging and spending time with family.

There you go - that is my goal for today, this Saturday (which I'm now adding more than 6 words....)

Have a great weekend - and try the 6 Word Saturday! Linking up here:


It's not a habit yet... developing my attitude of gratitude

I slipped back into "old ways" today. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, we all act or react in ways that don't make us proud. For the past few years I have REALLY worked on my behavior, tone, attitude with my family. Sometimes the initial snarky response still comes out and then I immediately correct and apologize. I have gotten so good that I can even edit in my head and have the positive response come first!

Enter stress. It makes me cranky. It makes me rude, and then I realize that others in my family are being rude too. So, thus the reason I am actively working on being better. Enjoying the moment, and not sweating the small stuff. What do I do when things go wrong? Try the Oh Well method and move on. Smile about it. Think of ways it could be worse and stay positive.

Except for today. Now, it wasn't just today. I've seen my attitude slipping around the holidays when we were hosting family and friends, children were busy and others in our family had medical needs. I think that was a lot of the reason I felt the Christmas Spirit lacking. New Year's Eve I was not feeling the joy that I normally do by entertaining friends, even though I really am glad we did. The small moments that don't quite feel right are what sparked me into more actively working on my gratitude and attitude.

Back to today. Medical needs again, long wait, not perfect news. After the visit the husband said to meet him for lunch. Ok, daughter and I are both not wanting to eat fast food, but sure. On the way, traffic and misdirection. All for lunch at a fast food place I could do without. What do I do? Greet the husband with frustration about the drive and complain that all that effort was made for something I didn't really want. Impression made? That I didn't want to spend the time with him, and a half hour where we could have been enjoying the precious moments were wasted. Sigh...

First off, I am so glad I have an amazing husband where this won't be an issue. It's just a small little pebble in our road of life, and our marriage has great off-road tires :) For myself though, to move on and really work on my attitude, I need to increase my gratitude. I am sorry for those hours where I could have been a happier person and also spread that joy to others.

I am thankful that I have a car that gets me were I need to go and live in a town where great medical care is 20 minutes away. I am thankful I have a husband who supports our family, and I get to stay home to deal with the medical, physical, personal, educational, spiritual and emotional needs of our children. I am also grateful he thought to spend his lunch hour on a busy day with his two girls. I am thankful we can afford the small luxuries like eating out every now and then. Mostly I am thankful for forgiveness that we can make mistakes and move on.

If you haven't read about the 1000 Gifts - I encourage you to do so! It's not to late to start recording your 1000 gifts!

January's Joy Dare



The title of my blog is "Being Me and Living My Life!" In the window tab when I clicked 'Create Post' it says due to abbreviation: "Life! - Create post"

I started thinking when I saw this (because when I clicked "new post" I didn't really know what I was going to type)  there it is "Life - create post" or as I saw it in my head "Life! - create a moment." That is what we all are trying to do. Sometimes we spend so much energy preparing for that moment, we miss all the other ones along the way. I am guilty of this, yet so actively working on overcoming this. For the past 10 years or so that I have been either blogging or active on forums, I have been intrigued by the thought of "When" I have written several posts on this, and I will continue with those thoughts today.

It's always "When." When my kids are older, when we have money, when we go on vacation, when I feel better, when, when, when. There are always reasons why you can't do things, and yes - kids, money, health are all reasons to wait. However, you don't wait on your life - you might just wait on a certain experience.

When my kids are older is a common one. I had to stop and realize that I needed to enjoy the moment that was happening. Yes, there are difficult stages in rearing children. But if you always wait for a phase to pass, there will just be another one waiting! Saying "Oh I can't wait until they sleep through the night" is not a terrible thing to say, however if you are not cherishing those moments of rocking your child back to sleep, then you are missing out on the real purpose of life.

There is a very frequently used saying that I adore, "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."(Vivian Greene) It is so true. Another great one is "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." (Abraham Lincoln) We can't keep waiting for a better day, we have a life that is now and we need to live it. THIS is what I think on a daily basis to keep me going. THIS is what I have to keep reminding myself. My previous post about Ben Breedlove I can't stop thinking about. We don't know how many years will be in our life, so we must make the most of our years.

It's life, so create something wonderful!

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.

Henry David Thoreau