Turning It Over

I took my decision to "live in the moment" and "let things happen" just one step further today. Maybe two steps.

I need to tell a little bit of a back story without getting too much into detail first. My daughter was due to have a surgery last week, but another problem was there and that needed dealt with first. I was frustrated and did all the common things. Guilt that I hadn't done the right thing, frustration that the doctor had messed up and possibly given us wrong information, played the "what-if" game about things we could have done differently. All of this was due to stress and worry and doubt and frustration. I felt insecure, I felt out of control of my emotions, I felt how you feel when you don't put your best self forward. Our hopes was that the surgery be done sooner than later - due to his work travel, my parents staying here for only another week and her starting online college classes soon.... all things that we could have worked around, but ideally this surgery was best happening now in our mind.

Today, we went to the Dr. hoping that the surgery is going as re-scheduled tomorrow, and I have been praying. Surprisingly to me, my prayers were not "Make this happen because we want it to." I asked Him to "Please guide the Dr. to make the right decision and that the surgery will happen when it needs to, and that she gets the best possible care." This morning while waiting to see the Dr. I prayed and I continued to read 1000 Gifts (see previous blogs.) I felt overwhelmingly at peace.

During our wait time in the office, we could hear the Dr. talking to three other patients before us. Each of them were challenging him, either out of fear of the surgery or upset that things weren't going their way. I heard my voice in theirs. They felt guilty that maybe they hadn't done what they needed to to heal properly, they had doubt about this being the right choice for them and they questioned the Dr's decisions. He was very patient with each of them, and I realized he had also been with me last week. I was already very peaceful at this appointment, but sometime during the 2nd patient he spoke to, I realized something.

I had turned it over to God. I turned it over to the Dr's decision. I relaxed and I told myself whatever this Dr. came to tell us, I would say "Ok, thank you," and get the information needed to do the best for my child. I had no fear. I had no doubt. I felt as if my prayer of asking for the best for my child was going to be done with this decision made by the Dr. any minute now.

I don't do this very often. I tend to bargain with God. I ask for very specific things. Yesterday and today, I did ask for a specific thing but it was to have the right decision be made, not the decision I wanted made. In the end, it was what my husband and I were hoping for, but I was prepared to accept anything.

The rest of my day was also mostly peaceful (as it can be with a family of 5 and 2 visiting parents, 2 people in the house recovering from ailments, and so on...) I felt gratitude in every small thing. I have been listing my gifts, but not as many as I should. However, the act of doing so already in the first 9 days of this year have done wonders for my outlook.

I go into tomorrow hopefully still at peace, and continue to turn it to Him.

It's not a habit yet... developing my attitude of gratitude

I slipped back into "old ways" today. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, we all act or react in ways that don't make us proud. For the past few years I have REALLY worked on my behavior, tone, attitude with my family. Sometimes the initial snarky response still comes out and then I immediately correct and apologize. I have gotten so good that I can even edit in my head and have the positive response come first!

Enter stress. It makes me cranky. It makes me rude, and then I realize that others in my family are being rude too. So, thus the reason I am actively working on being better. Enjoying the moment, and not sweating the small stuff. What do I do when things go wrong? Try the Oh Well method and move on. Smile about it. Think of ways it could be worse and stay positive.

Except for today. Now, it wasn't just today. I've seen my attitude slipping around the holidays when we were hosting family and friends, children were busy and others in our family had medical needs. I think that was a lot of the reason I felt the Christmas Spirit lacking. New Year's Eve I was not feeling the joy that I normally do by entertaining friends, even though I really am glad we did. The small moments that don't quite feel right are what sparked me into more actively working on my gratitude and attitude.

Back to today. Medical needs again, long wait, not perfect news. After the visit the husband said to meet him for lunch. Ok, daughter and I are both not wanting to eat fast food, but sure. On the way, traffic and misdirection. All for lunch at a fast food place I could do without. What do I do? Greet the husband with frustration about the drive and complain that all that effort was made for something I didn't really want. Impression made? That I didn't want to spend the time with him, and a half hour where we could have been enjoying the precious moments were wasted. Sigh...

First off, I am so glad I have an amazing husband where this won't be an issue. It's just a small little pebble in our road of life, and our marriage has great off-road tires :) For myself though, to move on and really work on my attitude, I need to increase my gratitude. I am sorry for those hours where I could have been a happier person and also spread that joy to others.

I am thankful that I have a car that gets me were I need to go and live in a town where great medical care is 20 minutes away. I am thankful I have a husband who supports our family, and I get to stay home to deal with the medical, physical, personal, educational, spiritual and emotional needs of our children. I am also grateful he thought to spend his lunch hour on a busy day with his two girls. I am thankful we can afford the small luxuries like eating out every now and then. Mostly I am thankful for forgiveness that we can make mistakes and move on.

If you haven't read about the 1000 Gifts - I encourage you to do so! It's not to late to start recording your 1000 gifts!

January's Joy Dare

Finding Inspiration - Gratitude

I was awake the night of Christmas, well the early morning after Christmas, with thoughts racing through my head. It was a good Christmas, but I couldn't help feel that maybe things could be better. Don't we always think that? I don't mean better like we got better presents, but I felt that over the years we had slipped away from the true meanings of the holidays even though I attempt to instill it in my children's head. Overall, I do think it was a great day but there was a nagging feeling about a lot of things that evening. This year has been wonderful for our family, yet I felt feelings of anxiety about the year to come. I laid awake and thought about starting a blog. I've had personal and family blogs before, but there were thoughts I felt I wanted to share. I knew the feelings I had weren't my own, and that other parents out there struggled with many of the same feelings I had. Insecurity, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, worry and more. I don't like when those things get in my way - and I decided I was going to actively work on reducing those from my life. My thoughts turned to all those articles and websites about "simplifying your life." Yes, that is what we need - information about how to go back to basics and simplify things. But wait, I realized that many things in my life aren't simple and I don't mind that at all. So, chaos exists - the question is how to live in the chaos and enjoy it! That is my goal for this year. Being mindful, appreciative and accepting of all that is around me. Live in the moment is my mantra, and I'd like to find ways to enhance that spirt for the new year.

 Today, I found a website and book that I think might help me along this path. I am ordering this book, One Thousand Gifts



She has a website and blog - which I am following A Holy Experience Also, there is a free app - One Thousand Gifts, which I just downloaded. There are many ways to access this, also at this website One Thousand Gifts 

I encourage you to look at this, and see how it can fit in your life. I look forward to having more gratitude in my life, and also be an example for my family.